Wit

One of the ongoing trials of being an educator is dealing with students that have an overblown sense of their own comedic prowess. The proverbial class clowns often call out with inappropriate comments which fail to achieve the heights of humour which they envisioned. This usually leads to their outbursts being reprimanded and a scramble to bring the lesson back on course.

I was recently teaching a lesson on religious responses to social injustice, and to prejudice and discrimination in particular. As we were working on the vocabulary that is necessary for such a study, I asked for the definition of homophobia, to which one student called out “Homerphobia is the fear of the Simpson’s.” The response caught me off-guard, and while still needing to be challenged, I could help but to tip my hat to the wit.


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Queue Pew

Elephants, Animals, Mammals, Trunk

Jumbo hated getting stuck in line behind Follie. That elephant really had to do something about what he was eating because he had perpetual gas. These were not little poots either, they were toxic clouds, and Jumbo wondered why the leaves didn’t fall off the trees as Follie passed. All he could do was raise his trunk out of the cloud and hope for the best.

When someone in line lets out a pew

There is little that any of us can do

We can grin and bear it

Or make a fuss

But to do the latter makes all about us

So for the time being cross you fingers

Or tusks

And hope that the queue moves quickly

Or just change lines if you must


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Traditional Beef Wellington*

Boots, Wellington, Mud, Rubber, Dirt, Isolated, Dirty
Pixabay

The Beef Wellington is a classic British dish and is said to have been created to honour Arthur Wellesley, First Duke of Wellington.  

Ingredients:

  • Ground Beef 2.2 pounds/ 1 kg
  • Egg 1
  • Onion 1 large
  • Carrots 2 large
  • Potato 1 large
  • Flour 1 cup
  • Beef Stock Cube 1
  • Salt to taste
  • Wellington 1 (size 4 to 5 is sufficient for most families)
  • Water to steam

Method:

Peel and dice the onion, carrot, and potato. Place veg into a large bowl and add the beef, flour, and salt.   Then add the egg and crumble the stock cube into the bowl.  Mix well (approximately three minutes).  Then spoon the mixture into a single Wellington (I find the left one works best).  When the Welly is filled, heat water into a large pot with a lid, or a steamer.  Clip the Welly closed (clothesline pegs work well for this) and add the Welly to the pot or steamer.  Cook for about 60 minutes.  When finished discard the beef mixture and serve the Wellington with a little salt.

 

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*Fibbing Friday 11th September – This “recipe” was produced to answer the Fibbing Friday question – “What is the main ingredient in Beef Wellington?”  While it does not actually address the entire Fibbing Friday challenge, it was inspired by it.  As far as Beef Wellington goes, I do strongly suggest that this recipe be avoided, but hopefully appreciated in the spirit it was meant.

Time Telling

Woman, Middle-Aged, Mischievous, Happy

Pixabay

If you’re conversing with a lady

And courtship is your quest

And the topic of intentions is muted

Be careful of what you suggest.

 

And if it then arises

That her age – is by you to be guessed

No matter how dainty her tone

Remember it’s really a test.

 

So here is my advice – well reasoned

The thing that you should say –

Start with the figure most likely (like-lay)

Then five years take away.

 

To be safe then subtract yet another –

Year or two or three

She may then accuse you – of trying

To seduce her by mere flattery.

 

But the result – I assure you –

The far better outcome it will be

Than mindlessly blurting out

The age that you think you see.

 

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Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie

 

Jim Adams’ Song Lyric Sunday challenge this week is to use size words like Big/Large/Little/Small/Tall/Tiny, as a guide to picking a song.   Paul Vance and Lee Pockriss’ “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini” seems almost a fit (pun intended).  The song was released in 1960 and was performed by Brian Hyland.  The song was a million seller and reached number one.  A later cover reached number 1 in the UK in the 1990s.

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Lyrics:

She was afraid to come out of the locker

She was as nervous as she could be

She was afraid to come out of the locker

She was afraid that somebody would see

Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini

That she wore for the first time today.

An itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini

So in the locker she wanted to stay.

Two, three, four, stick around we’ll tell you more!

She was afraid to come out in the open

And so a blanket around her she wore.

She was afraid to come out in the open.

And so she sat bundled up on the shore.

Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini.

That she wore for the first time today.

An itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini.

So in the blanket she wanted to stay.

Two, three, four, stick around we’ll tell you more!

Now she is afraid to come out of the water.

And I wonder what she’s gonna do.

‘Cause she’s afraid to come out of the water.

And now the poor little girl’s turning blue.

Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini.

That she wore for the first time today.

An itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini.

So in the water she wanted to stay.

From the locker to the blanket,

From the blanket to the shore,

From the shore to the water

Guess there isn’t any more.

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Paul Vance / Lee Pockriss

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie lyrics © Emily Music Corp

 

Shaddap You Face: Sunday Lyrics

Image result for joe dolce

YouTube

Jim Adams’ challenge this week is to post about a song related to faces.  One great novelty song in which “face” features is Joe Dolce’s “Shaddap You Face.”  It was released in late 1980, it set a number of sales records.
Lyrics
‘Allo, I’m-a Giuseppe, I got-a something special-a for you, ready?
Uno, duo, tre, quatro!
When I was a boy just about the eighth-a grade
Mama used to say “don’t stay out-a late with the bad-a boys
Always shoot-a pool Giuseppe going to flunk-a school!”
Boy it make-a me sick all the t’ing I gotta do
I can’t-a get-a no kicks, always got to follow rules
Boy it make-a me sick just to make-a lousy bucks
Got to feel-a like a fool
And-a mama used to say all-a time
What’s-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect?
What-a you t’ink you do, why you look-a so sad?
It’s-a not so bad, it’s-a nice-a place
Ah shaddap-a you face!
That’s-a my mama, I can remember!
Big accordion solo!
Ah, play ‘dat again!
Really nice, really nice!
But soon-a come-a day, gonna be a big-a star
Den I make-a T.V. shows and-a movies
Get-a myself a new car but still I be myself
I don’t want-a to change a t’ing
Still a-dance and a-sing
I think-a about-a mama, she used to say
What’s-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect?
What-a you t’ink you do, why you look-a so sad?
It’s-a not so bad, it’s-a nice-a place
Ah shaddap-a you face!
Mama, she said it all-a da time!
What’s-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect?
What-a you t’ink you do, why you look-a so sad?
It’s-a not so bad, it’s-a nice-a place
Ah shaddap-a you face!
That’s-a my mama!
Hello everybody!
‘At’s out-a dere in-a radio and-a T.V. land
Did you know I had a big-a hit-a song in-a Italy with-a dis?
Shaddap-a you face, I sing-a dis-a song, all-a my fans applaud, Dey clap-a da hands
Dat-a make me feel-a so good
You ought to learn-a dis-a song, it’s-a real-a simple
See, I sing “what’s-a matter you?”, you sing “hey!”
Den I sing-a da rest and den at de end we can all-a sing
Ah, Shaddap-a you face!
Okay, let’s-a try it, really big
Uno, due, tre, quattro!
What’s-a matter you? (Hey!) Gotta no respect? (Hey!)
What-a you t’ink you do (Hey!) why you look-a so sad? (Hey!)
It’s-a not so bad (Hey!) it’s-a nice-a place
Ah shaddap-a you face!
That’s great, we gonna do it better this time!
What’s-a matter you? (Hey!) Gotta no respect? (Hey!)
What-a you t’ink you do (Hey!) why you look-a so sad? (Hey!)
It’s-a not so bad (Hey!) it’s-a nice-a place
Ah shaddap-a you face!
Okay, one time for mama, everybody!
What’s-a matter you? (Hey!) Gotta no respect? (Hey!)
What-a you t’ink you do (Hey!) why you look-a so sad? (Hey!)
It’s-a not so bad (Hey!) it’s-a nice-a place
Ah, shaddap-a you face!
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Joseph Dolce / Lawrence Krsone Parker
Shaddap You Face lyrics © O/B/O Apra Amcos, BMG Rights Management US, LLC

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Lasagna: Weird Al

Meal, Dinner, Food, Plate, Lunch, Dish

Pixabay

This week Jim Adams has called us to post about songs featuring – Bounty/Dessert/Eat/Feast/Food/Hungry/Turkey.  While lasagna may not be the most common Thanksgiving food, the song by that title by Weird Al Yankovic definitely gets the eating into the lyrics.

Lyrics:

La-la-la-lasagna
You want-a some-a lasagna magnifico
Or a-maybe spaghetti
Ay, you supper’s a-ready now, where you go
Mama mia bambino
Mama mia bambino
‘Samatta you, ‘samatta you, ‘samatta you
You should-a taste my lasagna
Ay, you no like-a lasagna
That’s okay too
How about-a calzone
Some-a nice minestrone, that’s good for you
Have-a some marinara
Have-a some marinara, I know-a you like
I know-a you like, I know-a you like
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
Would you like some-a zucchini
Or-a my homemade linguini, it’s hard to beat
Have-a more fettuccini
Ay, you getting too skinny, you gotta to eat
Ay, mange, mange
Ay, you-a pass the lasagna
A-don’t you get any on ya, you sloppy pig
Have-a more ravioli
You-a get Roly Poly, a-nice and-a big
Like you cousin Luigi
Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan
Capisce paisan, capisce paisan
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
Hey, hey

 

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Punland Challenge

Image result for little gary's plaice watton

image: TripAdvisor

I have over the years (despite my general enjoyment of wordplay) come to cringe as I look at the business names on the High Street.   Here is a real sample:

Hair Dressers:

A Cut Above; The Mane Attraction; Look Ahead; Mane Event; Hair Today

Fish Shops:

The Cod Father; Small Fry; Friars’ Choice; My Plaice

Pizzeria:

Leaning Tower of Pizza

Chinese Takeaway:

Wok and Roll (with a stir fry and a spring roll on either side of the sign)

Coffee Places include:

Friends’ Central Perk; Higher Ground; Cuppa Diem

But now even gardeners and tree surgeons are getting into it.  Recently I have seen the following vans:

Trees Company;  Tree Fellas; Branch Out,

[and a fencing firm]: Ministry of De Fence

I am sure there are hundreds of others out there.  I would love to hear which ones you have come across, or if you have a great concept of your own which has yet to grace retail signage, let me know in the comments box below, or use them in a blog post of your own and link it here.

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To Limit The Lies

 

The Haunted Wordsmith has once again challenged us to fib on a Friday.  As honesty is the best policy (or so they tell me), I will limit the lies.  I will of course “tell a big one” by Friday Fibbing on what is to me Saturday.  That said, I will further “limit the lies” by fibbing on two prompts.  Even in my fibbing, I will “limit the lies,” by retaining “Half truths.”

Why did people invent the sandwich?   No one knows exactly why the Romans landed where they did in 43 AD.  It might have been some major forward thinking in anticipation of saving a few denarii when Worth and Deal were founded in the area, a few centuries later.

This shrewd financial sense, however found a rather limited set of commodities, as the only deal worth having was some nearby Ham.  It was some enterprising Saxons who saw this gap in the market and invented Sandwich on the bank of the Stour.  Now everyone can get their money’s Worth with a Ham Sandwich Deal.

Image result for ham sandwich signpost

image: Geograph.org

What was the stone age?  As many of my regular readers know, I am an educator.  As such, I am very knowledgeable on the topic of the stone age.  The stone age was, a period in human social and technological development, when the most advanced tools were made of stone.  As a teacher I can see, within my profession, the heights to which we have come.  My students enjoy interactive learning in a digital age.  The Internet provides “on demand” access to documents, video content, and state of the art audio.  It has not always been so.  When I began teaching, technology in the educational landscape was more primitive.  In fact, when I first qualified as a teacher I was equipped with two rocks in order to present my lessons:  a large flat piece of slate, and a cylindrical piece of calcite.  Yes, I have been teaching since the stone age, or as I like to call it – the 1980s.

Blackboard, Technology, Board, School, Empty, Write

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

What is the best ice cream topping on a sundae?  Personally I think that chocolate fudge is the ideal ice cream condiment on a Sunday, though I do like a bit of butterscotch on a Monday.

So in the interest of limiting lies, please note the additional half truth.  I did indeed answer two of the prompts.  I just also added a third.

Padre

  1. Why do cable companies offer so many channels no one watches?
  2. Who invented lemon meringue pies?
  3. Why did people invent the sandwich?
  4. What was the stone age?
  5. Why do people grow more annoying as we age?
  6. What is doomsday?
  7. What do fish do all day?
  8. Who are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse really?
  9. How do you make a cake?
  10. What is the best ice cream topping on a sundae?
  11. What is your ideal style of home?
  12. What is the strangest hobby?