Couldn’t Make It Up 2

Today, I set a reporting task to one of my classes. I explained exactly how I wanted them to lay it out, then I repeated the instructions to make sure they were clear. I then asked if there were any questions on the assignment. No one responded, so I told them to get on with it. About five minutes later a hand went up and the student asked if she could do it – well, exactly as I had described how to do it. There are times when I serious wonder if some of my students aren’t just memes waiting to happen.


Padre

The Summoning

The dark silhouette of a woman stood in the doorway, gestured for me to come forward, and whispered, “He’s in a right mood. Be careful.”

I entered into the elegantly appointed office and approached the desk.

“Have a seat,” the brooding figure behind the desk barked.

I took a seat and waited.

“Well?” he snapped.

“Well, what?”

“Well – let’s start with why do you think I’ve called you here.”

“I gather it has to do something with Christmas,” I replied.

“Exactly!” he roared.

“Do you have a particular complaint?” I asked.

“Why didn’t you give me a present?”

“Well, put simply – you were on my naughty list,” I replied.

“That’s a crock if I’ve ever heard one,” he challenged. “I did nothing wrong at Christmas.”

“And, it because of lies like that, and moments like this that you were on it.” Sometimes a Claus just has to make a stand, even if it is the Prime Minister you are dealing with.


Padre

Two Sugars

His attitude was generally flippant, often making light of serious or stressful situations.  For example, there was the job interview in which he was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?” His response was, “Sitting where you are now while you bring me coffee with two sugars.”

Five years on, there he sat as the former interviewer asked if he would like some cookies with his coffee.  Sometimes humour pays off.


Padre

All A Matter of Perspective

Flatmates Dave and Tony had a simple agreement. Each Saturday Tony would buy a five pack of doughnuts on the way back from his run and put them in the kitchen. Dave was welcome to share them, with the only stipulation being that he leave the last one for Tony. This arrangement worked well enough for about a month. Then, one morning after earlier having two each, Tony went to make a cup of coffee and to have the last doughnut.

“Dave, did you eat the last doughnut?” he shouted irritably.

“No,” his roommate replied.

“Then where did it go?”

“You ate it,” Dave responded.

“When?”

“This morning at breakfast,” Dave said.

“I never did!”

“Yes, you did. You see, when you brought them in and then went for your shower, I opened the box and reversed the order of the doughnuts. So, you ate the last one at breakfast, and I helped myself to the first one a little while ago. It’s all a matter of perspective.”


Padre

Getting Your Goat

“This part if the journey is never easy,” Trenour said.

“Then why do we come this way?  The plateau path is a lot more pleasant than this constant up and down road through the hills,”  Wylder challenged.

“The plateau leaves us exposed.  I would far rather deal with hills than the nomads.”

“Are you telling me that you have dragged us to the back of beyond because you are afraid of a bunch of goat herders?” Wylder mocked.

“Bunch of ‘goat herders?’  They are a bunch of goat herders that overran the Hurnian Empire.  We don’t want to mess with them, especially of open ground.”

“But we have good armour and the best weapons money can buy,” Wylder observed.  “Surely we would have the upper hand.”

“Let’s not find out,” Trenour said gravely.

After about a half an hour, the pair crested a long rise to come face to face with about a thousand goats.  Scattered among the herd were about seventy nomads armed with staves and spears.  Three others approached on sturdy donkeys and began to nock short composite bows. 

“What do you think of our ‘goat herders now?’” Trenour asked, dropping his sword and raising his hands.

“Goat herders?  What goat herders, I only see fierce nomads,” Wylder gulped.


Padre

Impetuous

Colin couldn’t quite believe what he had just heard, but he most definitely had to go check it out. According to his brother Hugh, who had heard it from Andre the stable boy, a barbarian warrior had recently arrived in the town, and she, yes she, was staying at the tavern. But to top it all off, she was reported to have bare breasts!

Colin rushed through the streets, and pushed past the throng of young men that had gathered to gawk. He soon regretted his impetuous move, as she reached out and grabbed him by the collar. She dragged him across the table, and began to full-on kiss him, tongue and all.

He squirmed to free himself from her grasp, and fell gasping on the floor. “Bear breath! They had said bear breath.”


Padre

Never Return Home

It didn’t take long. Everything was over in less than five minutes. Ellis had bought himself a place on the mail coach and settled in for the journey to the town of his youth. He had been away for twenty years, and now after a career abroad that seemed twice that long, he looked forward to a well earned retirement.

His first awareness that something was amiss was when a tree fell across the path of the coach and it jerked to a sudden stop. Then when four masked men stepped in front of the horses all became clear. A weaselly built man demanded the cash box and the mails, and when the driver took longer than he thought necessary, the weasel shot a crossbow bolt into his shoulder.

It was then that instinct and muscle memory kicked in. Ellis swung open the coach door and rode it outwards, taking a flying roll onto the roadway. Coming to his feet, he loosed to daggers from his belt, piercing the chests of a bandit each. He then drew knife from his boot and embedded it in the forehead of a third.

The weasel was still desperately trying to reload his crossbow as Ellis snatched the throwing knife from third bandit’s skull and adroitly took out the weasel’s throat.

Ellis then went and tended to the driver’s wound and pondered if it was every possible for a mercenary to “go home.”


Padre

Giving it a Go

Unslpash

“Remember, everything is possible as long as you have a positive attitude, and truly believe you will succeed. Rest assured, Lads, I am right here behind you!”

“Okay, Sir; so as long as we keep believing that we can climb out of our trench in the face of pre-sighted machine guns, cross one hundred yards of waist-deep mud, shell-holes, and broken wire, and then work our way through an additional fifty yard wide mine field before climbing their barbed wire obstacles, we should take their trench easy-peasey?” Private Grant asked.

“I think that sums it up pretty well, Lad,” the captain replied.

“Well, let’s give it a go then,” Grant said confidently.

You just have to appreciate our education system, the captain thought to himself as he lined the eager replacements up for the assault.


Padre

Tech


Stake outs weren’t like they were in Dan’s father’s day. Dad used to be gone for days at a time and return home smelling of sweat and stale coffee. No, Dan’s surveillance were quite different with state of the art optics, audible, and sensor arrays. To make it better still it was all done in the station, a mere ten minutes from home with decent coffee, and a unending supply of donuts.


Padre

https://fivedotoh.com/2022/06/06/fandangos-flash-fiction-challenge-172/